Pemphigus vulgaris on skin

     AM I JUST A KID? 

Everyday there was this wave of thoughts reminding me to what lengths I was taking myself in desperation. It made me question myself why is it so important for me to look perfect? Why am reaching out to these many lengths just for lips? Is it really just for the appearance or is it an unexplainable fear to accept the fact that I’m falling sick?
 
The grave ignorance!
People often strive to present themselves as flawless and perfect, with society valuing clear, bright skin as a symbol of wealth and cleanliness, while associating darker shades with ignorance. However, the reality remains unchanged; an 11-year-old child should not feel pressured to have a flawless complexion or feel guilty for engaging in sports under the sun. Scars and pigmentation do not hinder one's ability to achieve success or enjoy memorable moments with friends, unaffected by body odor or skin imperfections. Summer breaks should be about enjoying the sun and indulging in ice cream, rather than obsessing over skincare routines to erase tans (rip the life out of the skin). It is crucial to normalize teenage acne, alleviate insecurities, and educate them on the science behind it.
 
Was my ignorance the enemy for the delay of treatment?
Maybe it wasn't my lack of knowledge that caused the treatment delay, but rather fear.
“ Fear of the unknown, fear of how serious it could be, fear of the financial impact, and fear of taking personal responsibility;
One could argue manipulation was a factor in the delay. Manipulating thoughts to minimize the situation, convincing oneself it was insignificant, and self-diagnosing to avoid seeking proper medical help;
Or was I being dismissive of the pain and symptoms may have contributed to the delay in treatment. Ignoring the signs and dismissing the internal warnings”
 
On 30 June 2023, the initial blister appeared on my right shoulder, initially assumed to be heat boils due to the peak of summer in Georgia, Tbilisi at that time.
As the blisters spread across my back shoulders, they grew in size, causing my undergarments to stick to the wounds and tear, highlighting the damage caused by friction.
I was living with two other people in my room. Concerned about the possibility of contagion, I sought help from a dermatologist in India via video call, leading to a diagnosis of LICHEN PLANUS and the subsequent prescription of appropriate medications. And they kept a pause for saying IT IS NOT CONTAGIOUS!
Despite following the prescribed treatment, the condition worsened, prompting a second consultation with the recent lesions where I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder called “PEMPHIGUS VULGARIS” on 1 July 2023 and received immediate medication from India due to the unavailability of treatment in my current location.
 
Why didn’t I return back to India immediately after the diagnosis?
Every foreign immigrant has to apply for their TRC (temporary residency card), Upon arrival in the country, I had to apply for my TRC, but due to an error, the process was delayed, forcing me to extend my visa and reapply, causing a 6-months wait for my card. I can’t fly back or return without this card. I was under extreme  pressure to deal with all these situations.
As time passed, my health deteriorated, with my skin becoming sensitive to light and heat, covered in blisters and major gluteal erosions, making sitting painful; as I stained red everywhere. The emotional distress left me with tears day and night feeling more lonely than ever. But the unexpected support during this difficult time provided by my roommate (Shreya Arun aka Shreyyy) who came into my life as a complete stranger, turning to a greater deal, I would rather say sister not by blood. I remember her words when she saw me breaking down “ why are you crying? Is it because I’m being so useless to you  or is it because I can’t do anything for you?!” they all meant the same but I was able to feel the emotional difference between how helpless and overwhelmed she felt. As the tears rolled down my cheeks, my skin stuck to the bed I was left speechless. I would never return to that pain for a million dollars.
 
The voice of every heart that flew miles away from their country:
 

“The feeling of numbness is malignant:

During the take off, where your heart feels heavy, soul being stretched,

When your inner child screams and your eyes darken

But your body stays at rest glued to the seats, are often

Over shadowed by the castle in the air;

Never prepared me for the luxury of loosing them all.”

                                                                                                              -RGK
We, the fellow immigrants carry to much pride to accept the fact that they are deprived; they are deprived of their parents presences, deprived of their warm touch, deprived of their comforting foods. But what makes them going is that at the end, it all worth the pain. I wasn’t able to manage the amount of pain because I was just a child who wanted to go her mom and dad.

                

Next chapter to be continued…