Chp 2: Do you believe in god?
I carried a great interest on watching cartoon as a kid and I still do, they help me to function. The fantasy world gave me comfort! Because all I wanted was Doremon’s magic door at that point.
25 July 2023,
I couldn’t take it anymore, the heartache was unimaginable. I took a week off from university ‘cause I wasn’t able to get myself from the bed. I started to lose weight in an unhealthy way. I was no longer able to move a chair on my own or remove my own clothes, so insisted Shreya to cut them and rip them off . I gave her nightmares (“I’m sorry shrey I made you to go through this”). I stood under the cold shower for 2 hours, they used to be the painless hours of my day. I used to call my parents right after the shower so that I would look fresh and hoped they wouldn’t know the pain I’m going through.
On 31st July 2023 I received my TRC finally and all I wanted to do was to fly back home, I booked my tickets for 1 August 2023 and booked my return tickets, Shreya prepared my luggage to fly, transferred my clothes from one suitcases to another leaving all my clothes back there hoping I’ll be returning back soon, i was certain that I’ll be returning back by 28 August 2023, the only uncertainty in this plan was my health, because how am I suppose to be sure of flying alone when I’m unable to lift a phone on my own, when I’m unable to feed myself, when I’m unable to get myself up from the bed without ripping my clothes off. When I wasn’t able to get myself to the lavatory without wetting myself on the way or wear clothes on my own without getting dehydrated. Or able to drink water without spilling it all over myself.
How will I carry myself to the airport and fly all alone? I desperately wanted the magic door, where the other side beholds my happy place, my home.
I recollect the times I called my sister (my love) out of pain, just to hear her voice saying “it’s going to be alright and you’ll be here soon. You are my brave girl”
31st August night I started preparing myself for the flight;
I no longer had energy to shower or bare the cold water, the primary pain and discomfort was the clothes sticking onto the wounds, so I made Shreya to buy gauze rolls from the pharmacy and we spend hours dressing and covering the wounds on my body like a layer. In her words she described “when I saw your body to dress the wounds, all I saw was how skinny you were, I could trace the outline of your skeleton clearly, my mind went to how worse will it be! Skin falling apart and bleeding, felt like a never ending cycle”. After dressing up my wounds I wore my travelling clothes and we headed to bed.
1 August 2023 12hrs before the flight:
The amount of self loathing was leaving me sleepless. I recollect calling my father in the middle of the night to sing a lullaby that I got used to listening from my childhood, hoping it would help me to pass that one night pain free. It didn’t help but my ears were pleased to hear him sing. I was not sure whether I could make it to the flight or to my parents, but I had an unshakable faith that once I land in my country I’ll be fine. I felt the sunshine through my sheets, I pulled myself out of the bed and prepared myself. We headed to the airport which was a 40mins travel. My flight seats were in between, I knew that it would create huge discomfort for the passengers, because the oozing was over the dressing and it started to wet my bottoms, my feet was swollen and had many blisters and more than everything the odour underneath the no.of perfume spray.
I have to take two flights to reach India so I requested to the cabinet crew who were more than kind enough to understand what was I going through and upgraded my seats to front and made sure no one disturbed me. They checked in on me throughout the journey and helped me to eat my meal and dinner. They made sure I was doing okay even after my landing and helped me with the immigration process, once I stepped out Apollo medical team and drivers took me in a wheelchair because I collapsed on the way to claiming my luggage. They took me to my father who came to receive me and rushed to Apollo emergency through their ambulance with my dad on my side holding my hands, looking at me.
So if you ask me : Do you believe in GOD?
As my doctor quoted
“I believe the concept of god is here and now and not somewhere else”
-Dr. Murlidhar Rajagopalan
: YES, I felt god here and now, I felt it inside Shreya when I turned back to say my goodbye, I saw it inside the air hoists who comforted every passengers, I saw it inside the emergency doctor who helped me change to hospital gown. I felt god and I still do. To me the Doremon’s magic door that I wished for was the HUMANITY
HUMANITY IS GOD
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